Today is October 15th.

Every year on this date, people light a candle and remember babies lost too soon.

My sons, Josiah and Gideon are two of those babies.

It’s harder for others to hold Josiah’s memory because we lost him in the first trimester. There was no ultrasound picture to share, no visuals for others to see.

Grief devastated me when I miscarried him. I didn’t recognize myself. I was bitter, resentful, and angry with God for a complexity of reasons both related and unrelated to the loss of my baby.

I was in a season of ‘walking in obedience’ to God and believed that because of that, He OWED me this baby’s life.

It was the first time I was hit with the reality that my obedience did not guarantee me the assurance of an easily life on this earth and that God owes me nothing.

In the Bible, Josiah worked to restore the people’s hearts and worship to God’s original standards. God used my Josiah’s life and loss to restore me and our family to God’s standard for the family and worship. His loss led us to put God’s will first – our marriage, our parenting, the spiritual and emotional well being of our family – leading us out of a very unique season and into a season of full trust in Him as the provider of all our needs. It’s truly a much bigger story of God’s hand at work that I’m always happy to share if you ask.

And then, there’s Gideon. This son, I grew in the womb to 32 weeks. I had the gift of birthing him and holding him in my arms, though not under the circumstances I could have imagined. He had the most adorable nose. During my pregnancy, he kept me up at night kicking into my sides. He had ten fingers and ten toes.

I hate that I don’t know when I lost him. There’s nothing I can do about it now or could have done up to that point, but it sits with me as though I wasn’t paying enough attention. The Lord is gracious.

As someone who loves all things pregnancy and birth, sharing birth stories, supporting women through their own journeys – it was a hard pill to swallow that this birth would be bringing my son’s dead body into the world. Not much can prepare you for that. I was in two different places, dissonant, yet spiritually carried through it all.

I miss them with my whole heart. They have changed me forever. I know and love my Savior more because of them.

As I sit here with my candle lit, I think of all the moms I’ve connected with who also mourn the loss of their babies gone too soon.

Regardless of which trimester of your pregnancy you experienced your loss or even for those moms whose losses happened postpartum – every loss and experience of grief is valid. You are known, seen, and loved.

It’s ok if you’re not ok. Cry out to the one who knows and understands you fully. Ask him to bring you what and who you need in this season. Hold onto hope.

For those who are believers, born again in Christ by the power of his blood and resurrection – hold onto the hope of Heaven.

To my sons, I can’t wait to see and hold you – Heaven can’t come soon enough. Jesus come soon.